**~Emoticons~**

It's already September, and I'm thinking back on February and March and remember wondering when my life would ever get back on track, perhaps it's time I share my story. I figure sharing my feelings on my blog is a more constructive action than if I were to bottle them up and save them for later. For those who actually may visit my blog I have indeed changed the title and discription yet again and after this post you will understand, for me, nothing is definate any longer.
Emoticon #1 Beaming Happy
:D I was married at 18, just before my 19th birthday and at the time I couldnt imagine doing anything more or being anything more than a wife. I was young and incurably naive and had a projected image in my head of what life was supposed to be for myself. I would get married and be a trophy wife, my husband would bring home the dough and It would be enough for me to make him meals everyday and take care of his home and one day his children. Young ladies, my heart goes out to you, that projection is a holograph and the screen a figment of your wildly, beautiful and precious, naive, imagination. If I could conserved the dreams of my youth and save them for my more adult, prepared self in my late twenties, there would be no doubt that I would. For perhaps further on down the road I will have a better understanding of the cruel world and life in general and then my giddy feelings and blind deceptions of love and men would be slightly overturned and yet still accepted, but I digress. After a good first year of marriage (although broke as could be) the tides shifted. I'd been supporting my husband through college working at jobs that I frankly didnt love,(but then again thats life). We sold my little honda for $800 and he used  the money to buy him a different vehicle, me then taking his car which had just so recently been broken into. The idiots had used a crowbar to get into the truck instead of breaking a window like a genius and just popping the trunk open, it looked like crap and to this day the trunk is still jimmy-rigged with a bungee cord from the inside and not accessable. We moved back to Twin Falls, this time last year, so that he could continue school and I was re-employed with my old job there. But the honey moon had long worn off and there was a storm brewing strongly by October when i remained in Twin Falls, until he would return in late January.
Emoticon #2 Worry
0_0 The storm is something you know is coming that you can feel but may not be able to see. When my husband left it was the first time I'd ever been alone and away from home. I'd always had my family and him and now I had myself. He would never answer my texts or calls and I was beggining to burden my parents with calling in crying hysterics. I was truly borderline losing my mind and thats probably an understatement, I probably should have saught out professional help for accute depression and anxiety. I loved my husband more than anyone or anything in the world and even now it is hard for me to fathom how much I really loved him and I'm still trying to find the answer to why? Finally after weeks of hardly hearing from him and going completely bonkers I packed a duffle bag and went back home, my husband begrudged me for this I now know, because it put more pressure on him to make money to take care of us while I was unemployed. Through christmas he and I began to become astranged and I felt it. The term grasping at straws has never been so true or real. He had been friends with a guy at work, we'll call him "J", and I wasnt fond of him at all as a friend. "J" lived with his girlfriend and they had a child that would be turning 2. My husband had been spending every moment at "J"s house he woke up at 7 to go to work in the morning and would then work often until late, or so I believed, I found out later, however, that after work he would go to "J"s place for hours. He would show up at home to me, his wife, who had so graciously made dinner, he would say hello only sometimes before sitting down infront of the TV and play Xbox while eating his dinner. I had become the maid, the mother, obsolete. When it came time for him to return to school and I still was unemployed, the decision had been made for me to stay behind with family and go to school as well so that we could recieve money to help us live.
Emoticon #3 The fake smile
:) Living apart was not helping our already strained relationship. And while I WAS happy that I was continuing my education and frankly, kicking ass at it, there were other things going through my husbands head. Every time he would come to visit he spent nearly all of his time over at "J"s place and none with me. I was the wife and was supposed to be "in submission" to my husband, so I plastered on a happy face and told everyone that I was great and that our relationship was great. I was lieing. After not seeing him for nearly three weeks and hearing from him only twice for 5 minutes via phone call, I was truly panicked. He came to see me the weekend before valentines day and because "J" and his girlfriend were fighting, spent little to no time with me. I was sad, angry, stressed, and missed him and no matter what I did he didnt want to be around. The drinking problem that had existed before got progressivley worse to the point of alcoholism and my smile was falling. We faught the whole weekend he visited because his relationship with J's girlfriend was getting far too serious. She would text him at 2am in the morning, and call him constantly and they would talk for 45 minutes or more, I was jealous of course, who wouldnt be. My husband wouldnt even spend five minutes on the phone with me and he talked to and about this girl like her ass rose in the east and set in the west every day. I told him he had to choose between us, and when he left that weekend before valentines day he barely kissed me goodbye.
Emoticon#4 Shock
O.o I recieved a call from J a day after valentines day, one which day I hadnt recieved even a call from my husband or a text, and had been prepared to drive up to see him and work out our problems until I called him and he convinced me that the weekend would be better. J told me he'd followed his girlfriend up to Twin Falls to my husband and I's apartment and that he knocked on the door and they both were there. I didnt believe him and called my husband mad because I was sure he was just helping her out and letting her stay and didnt confront me about it. He said he was just helping her like I assumed, and although still upset he had planned to come see me friday night. Friday I called to ask if he'd like to join me at the gym for a workout together, which I'd heard/read somewhere helps stimulate a couples sex drive because ours had been none in the last 8 months or longer. He simply stated "No", when I asked why, he said "We need to talk". My heart gave out for who knows how long, and when I found my breath I said "What did you do?" After a long pause he said, "I dont want to do this over the phone." I stated again, "What did you do?" Only this time the truth of the whole past week was sinking in, After silence I nearly whispered, "You slept with her didnt you? You slept with J's girlfriend?" The answer was already there days ago but when I heard the word "Yes" the world fell out from under me.
Emoticon#5 Down the rabbit hole
'o'.....To be continued

Passions

For my readers, two posts ago I promised you all a sample of my work. I can honestly say I am so glad I have something that helps distract my mind. My writing continues to get better and although I'm sure it's still ammature I hope one day it will take me places! I look forward to the day that this book has a cover and is sitting on a shelf in a bookstore somewhere or being read by thousands...Here is an excerpt from my book, "Annie".

I was in and out of consciousness and every breath I took felt like a knife was being stabbed through my chest with brute force. The sirens wailed from every direction hurting my ears and causing my head to throb. I couldn’t move, I felt paralyzed and like every bone in my body was broken. And what little I could see before me was red, everything was red. I could hear electric saws cutting away at the car above me and a lot of yelling… yelling. I thought I was going to die, and every time I would open my eyes I could see that there was just a little more light ahead of me. When I thought I had reached the end, and I had given up on hope there his voice was the lowest haunting whisper. I will remember these words that resound over and over and over in my mind until I am numb with pain. My brother James was crammed and sandwiched next to me and I realized the blood was all his when he strained to whisper, “I love you and I missed you Nollie…” 

When I wake it is to the rooster crowing outside the window of the guest bedroom at the ranch on Sunday morning, a whole day later. I cover my head with the patch work quilt that I sleep under. My eyes are puffy and red and I hold my side tightly where my wound had been the day of the accident. I could never remember if James had said he would miss me or he had missed me because it changed with every nightmare. And no matter how he said it, it always hurt just the same.

I am utterly embarrassed over yesterday’s dramatics and if I ever want to see Jacob or Annie again I’ll be required an explanation. My face is burning and likely the color of a very ripe tomato as every moment from yesterday races through my mind. Maybe Annie and Jacob don’t want to see me again, after all, I made myself look like a crazy fool. I’m rolling my eyes because it’s suddenly obvious to me that I belong in a heavily padded room secured by many locks to which only one key can open. If this happens, I suggest someone melt that key down and make a pretty knick-knack out of it so that there would be no chance of me ever escaping.

I sigh because there is a gentle knock on the door and I realize that it is indeed Sunday, the day I am to be dragged to church by Lil and Jack. And although I have explained to them that I have never attended church in my entire life they still insist on bringing me along. Every time I enter the building I fear someone may throw holy water on me and banish me to eternal damnation. I crawl out of bed. Luckily no one has had the gumption to throw water on me yet, however if they did I can’t say I’d blame them.

-Naomi Hildebrandt (C)

Let me know what you think, feed back is always welcome and extremely helpful. I'd like to get a couple proof readers so if anyone enjoys reading let me know, someone who is awesome with grammar as well! Until next time! :) Always pursue your passions! They help the world around you seem less chaotic ;)

No Fear

"Never give up, Never surrender!" You know, Buzz Lightyear knows what he's talking about! Over the course of the last month and a half my life has been turned upside down and inside out. I have struggled with numerous things and made countless decisions I never thought I would have to. Through everything I have been blessed! I have made so many choices for myself simply because they are choices that make me happy, never have I felt more strong and free. I have stepped out of my shell and done things I would never do simply because I am tired of being held back by fear. And fear of what!? The unknown? EVERYTHING is unknown until you experience it right? I'm not going to be held back any more I'm ready for this journey, and so freakin excited!
Someone told me today that it's ok to be weak, just not to be weak minded. This was definately something I have needed to hear....my entire life! Believing in myself is going to get me so much further in every aspect of my life and rather than giving in to my fears and allowing myself to believe something isnt possible, from now on im going to try it and prove to myself that it is possible.
I have met some awesome people lately, simply because I have allowed myself to let go and be me and not worry about what others are thinking. If you dont like me, all well. I've learned so much already from these new friends that I have begun to apply to my life. I'm confident about what I want from my life, confident about my body and about the person I am versus the person I was before. I can see the change in myself since everything fell apart, but the change has been the best one!
From now on I move slow, take one step at a time and stop to smell the roses along the way. I'm ready to soak up the fun that all these new and exciting things have to offer! And from now on, I will "Never give up, Never surrender!" -to my fears. :)

Motivation

If you have not figured it out by now, I am a writer. It's my passion and has been since I can remember. A teacher I had in the seventh grade actually inspired me to write and I've been doing it ever since.
My passion has grown from poems and songs to stories and books and I love everything that writing has to offer. Without my passion to write I could'nt express my feelings for things as deeply as I do. Some people may think writing is "bogus" and that i'll never get anywhere with it, but for those people I just have to accept that they have their own passion and that mine is not it. I may never get one of my books published, however that is not to say I wont try.
When I wrote my first book I was in high school, so naturally everything in it was high school related and very basic but as I began to re-read it I realized I wanted it completely different so I BEGAN re-writing it. After I had written my first book I felt accomplished and although it's not published it was there, I had done what I set out to do. New ideas began flowing through my mind of what to write about next and before I knew it I had 5 different books started with about a page and half done and nothing more to show for them. So now I have five book ideas with a few pages to start them and one book finished but being revised and then two more ideas hit me...
Both of these books are in the making one is yet to be titled and has a lot of work to be done to it and the other is called "Annie", my diamond in the rough. "Annie", is my inpirational story about a 17 year old girl Nollette, who by terrible circumstances is forced to live with family members she's never met on a ranch in Montana. Struggling to cope with living in a world she hates and even the sight of her own  face in the mirror each morning Nollette does anything to ignore the reality that is before her, until she meets Annie. The complete innocence this little girl holds and love of life in general may change Nollette forever and may save a life.
The basic problem is that I lack MOTIVATION. I can't seem to find the time to sit down and do what I love and It's bugging me. I think that the fact that I may never get published has set me back but I need to take this post as a positive reinforcement and get back on it. I'll never know if I could get published if I don't try, so hear I go. I'm off to do what I love!

The Beginning

Have you ever sat and watched a child in wonder? How can they know so little about the world but know SO much? 
For a child, mass amounts of adventures are found in a toy box or their own back yard, and nothing exists outside of each adventure. When playing with her dollies does a little girl create a world where bills and money cause eternal stress within the dolly family? She might say, "o darn, I have to pay those bills," and then simply go on about playing, but it's never more than a simple hiccup in the game. The dolly continues to live happily ever after because that is what the little girl wishes to happen, because it is her own little dream.
I've come to realize that I've allowed myself to be stripped of my dreams simply because the world tells me that there are more things to stress about than to dream about. Are we not supposed to enjoy life to the fullest?
If you look above you will notice that I have decided to call this blog, "And Beyond". The truth is this, I have been inspired to dream again! And it's all started with a child and his vast amount of belief in superhero's, because lets face it, who wouldn't want to be a superhero or at least have one near by?
We'll call the little boy "B" for this occasion.
"Ok, B, it's time for your bath now. Lets go pick out some jamies for you ok?" B ran into his room jabbering about something that I honestly couldn't understand, and given the chance I don't know if anyone else could have either at the time. We went to the dresser where he immediately opened the bottom drawer where his pajamas were.
"Wait B, we have to pick out some undies first!" I opened the very top drawer as he watched closely to see what I would pull out. The last couple months had been a big deal because he had been potty training and "undies" were somewhat of a pride to be able to wear.
"How about these they have Lightning McQueen on them?" I held them out to B to show him the car on the back. His little nose scrunched up and snorted in guffaw, "That's not wightning!" Apparently I don't know Cars very well because with a second look I realized indeed he was right, it was NOT Lightning. "Well...Do you still want to wear them?"
"Mmm..No." He grabbed his stool so that he would be taller, in hopes of reaching his top drawer. But being three and on a wobbly stool was not a good idea and it put him nowhere near seeing inside the drawer so I pulled another pair out and asked him, "How about these?"
"No...not the huck." he gave me a look as if I had no idea what I was doing.
"The what?" I turned the undies around to see what he saw, "The gween huck."
I laughed to myself, "Oh, the green hulk," and put them also back in the drawer.
"Well B, I don't know which ones you want to wear."
"I want to wear Spida-man!" So I found some with Spiderman on them and handed them to him. Immediately he whipped the bottom drawer out and pulled out his Spiderman pajamas and then ran to the bathroom. I turned on the water as he tugged on his shirt. If only I could get so excited to put on some pajamas and take a bath!
B played in the tub for a bit with numerous toys, making sound affects and splashing. And when it was time to get out he stood on the edge of the tub.
"What are you doing! Your going to fall and crack your head." I grabbed his arm as he stood up to full height.
"To infinity, and beyond!" He jumped as I caught him in mid air and lowered him to the ground as I giggled. I wish I could still find joy in adventures of my own bath tub, or get excited just to wear my Spiderman pajamas! But who is to say that my dreams are any different from those of a three year old? The only difference is that a three year old makes his dreams and adventures come true, while I sit back and wait for mine to come true knowing that they never will. But now I know the reason they wouldn't is my fault alone! I just have to believe and make it real, make it happen!
So I have decided that I will be my own superhero, and I am going to do myself a favor and save myself from the relentless world around me that tells me reality is too important for me to dream. I WILL make my dreams come true. And this blog will be my timeline, a recollection of my adventures and the journey to them. My first goal/dream is to inspire those around me to find this in themselves. Find the the adventure you once knew, relocate those dreams and stop letting the world around you tell you that other things are too important for you to experience your dreams! Stop letting the world tell you not to live life! Spread your wings and fly! TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!!!