I wrote a blog a little over a month ago that was not shared with anyone. It was meant to inspire me to be better at being me outside of the mommy life. Unfortunately the inspiration lasted only a few days and I was back to where I was preblog.
Many/most of you reading today's blog may not know that I have struggled with severe depression over the last couple months. This has very little to do with the fact that I am pregnant and most to do with the feeling of insignificance and not recognizing the person who stares back at me in the mirror. Mothers who stay at home with their children may understand what I mean when I say I have poured all of my love and affection out on my child and husband and left none for myself. As I explained in my previous blog, iv'e been trying to pour from an empty cup. My poor husband can only do so much to make me happy and some days I'm just not coming out of that black hole I've dug myself, no matter how strong his efforts are. This is my fault. I allowed myself to crawl into the pit of despair and not crawl out of it. I can't say that I myself understand why I didn't climb out of the whole, until this morning when I awoke to an epiphany, an answered prayer, and one person weighing heavy on my heart.
This morning started early. At four-thirty a.m. I woke with horrendous heartburn and the urge to pee that can only be understood by a mother of a child who refuses to move away from her bladder. Last night I had laid down in bed and prayed. Now as a christian I pray often. I pray with my son at night and then when I lay down in bed I pray for my family and for the Lord to guide me to be the person He desires me to be. I rarely pray for myself. I have prayed a few times before about the depression and what I could do to fix it, but last night I laid down and asked God to fix it for me and to give me the answer that I've needed for the past few months.
You see, me asking for someone else to help me is something I don't do with ease. I actually am very, very reluctant to ask for help from anyone. Laying down last night asking the Lord to take my problems was a huge step for me. I think that my prayers were answered because I had finally, truly handed over the weight of my problem to Him. So when I laid back down in bed for the fifth time last night I noticed for the first time in months that the weight was gone. I felt joyful at four-thirty in the morning, not dreading the coming day!
Immediately my mind was filled with a memory of someone very dear to my heart. The smile of my Great Grandmother filled my mind.
Before I go on I must explain the relationship I had with this spectacular woman.
Hazel Hildebrandt was my Great Grandmother. There are many things I learned from Grandma Hazel in my youth and there isn't a day that goes by that I wouldn't give anything to see her and spend another day with her. She was, in my eyes, most spectacular. She was a stubborn woman, which may have rubbed off on me at some point. She baked and cooked from scratch and the food was some of the most delicious I have ever tasted, specifically I remember her homemade chicken/turkey noodle soup that was poured over mashed potatoes, and significantly I have been craving this dish for months. She taught me to cook when I was with her. She taught me how to be be creative and crafty and she taught me my love for board games with family. I have many fond memories of my grandmother, like the time she taught me how to clog in her kitchen. Our long walks that consisted of fun banter and Werthers hard candies and even the Bugels coned shaped chips she always had in the pantry that my brothers and I would stick on our fingers. There are so many memories I could not share them all if I tried and I am sure that there are many people in my family who are surprised by how much I remember of her because of her passing at my young age. Nevertheless, Hazel instilled in me her great love and joy and in the past months, maybe even longer, the joy had escaped me.
So when I woke this morning and Lord gave me the memories of her I knew what he was telling me.
I am not the girl that I used to see in the mirror. I have stronger values, a vast understanding of the unfair circumstances of life and fewer friendships. I am stronger, independent and steadfast. I am no longer the girl I have been trying to find in that mirror. I am a woman. A woman who was taught to be joyful. To love with all of my heart. AND to be joyful in the life I was given and see myself for the woman that I am. If I cannot be joyful simply for being the woman I see then I need to be Joyful for being the woman God has made me to be and I need to remember that my grandmother would never have wanted me to feel the way I have. She probably would have given me a hard pat on the back and made me something to eat, even if I wasn't hungry, and would have encouraged me to enjoy this life and to remember to love myself.
Maybe this post makes little sense to anyone else, but to me it's everything.
You see part of my struggle has been that I have very few friends. I have very few people to talk to and very few who truly care. I felt that this depreciated from the value of who I was. If others don't want to be around me then there really must be something wrong with me. The thing is, this morning I realized that I am who I am. I am someone who has been created by God for a purpose and who was taught the joy of life by those around me. I can be sad about not having a bunch of friends and not getting out and thinking when I look in the mirror that I must be the result of everyone's rejection, but that couldn't be further from the truth. And when I look at myself I want to be an example of the woman I admired as a child, and I want to be all of the things that I saw in her.
Today I woke up and appreciated the woman I am. I am happy to be a mother, a wife and all of the other titles that come as a package with those. I am blessed to have this life God has given me. I am grateful for the few relationships I do have and for those who care and understand me. From now on I want to wake up and be thankful for all of the many blessings, and I want to be like the woman whom I admire. I want my husband to know that I love him and our children and I want him to know that I also love myself and I see in myself what he see's. I may not have many friends and I may be a mother but those things make me who I am, yet they are not all that I am. I am a person with many depths and those who understand those depths and see those depths are the ones whom I hold dear. Today I am making a promise to always appreciate who I am as a person and to never doubt my own importance. I will always have a bad day every now and then but it won't because I don't love myself. My reflection is only as beautiful as I allow myself to believe it is. From now on the person I am will shine through and my fears of others judgement and rejections will not be a factor in how I perceive myself and how I love myself.
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
Friday, October 2, 2015
Being Mom
For the past four weeks or so I have been overwhelmed with the dread of what comes with a new day. I know just how the day is going to go by the sound that flows through the house and into my sons baby monitor. Some may think it strange that I have a baby monitor hooked up even though my son is two, and you could be right, but I like to cover my bases when I have a husband who sleeps like the dead and I myslef can enter into a pretty deep sleep sometimes. Anyway, I know that if I wake up to jabbering and talking via the baby monitor that the day is going to be okay, my son may have a few bad moments but overall he's going to have a good day. These mornings I know that it won't be such a bad day and I get out of bed fairly happy and go and say good morning to my handsome son who is no doubt patiently waiting to be extracted from the crib.
It's the days that I wake up to the whining, screaming and otherwise horrible attitude that I know the rest of the day is going to follow suit.
Today was one of the bad days and I was unsuspecting...
Lane had a good, long nights rest and woke in a fairly cheerful mood. He woke very early so I gave him his sippy and he relaxed in his bed for a time. When it was time for Lane to get out of bed we went with our normal routine of getting dressed and clamoring downstairs for breakfast.
From the moment breakfast ended until the moment lunch ended our home was full over tantrums, fits, and horrible ugly behavior on both mom and sons' part.
Lane has entered the "terrible two's" with a full fledged vengeance. My once happy and easily satisfied son, now throws tantrums and fits at the first sign of miscommunication or inability to do as he pleases. I expected the "terrible two's", he's two, his personality is unleashing and he is growing and learning more each day, what I didn't expect was to hate MYSELF every moment of it.
As Mothers our job is difficult, this is common knowledge, and as moms we accept it because if it's difficult it means that we are doing our job right. What no one tells us is how much we will struggle to love ourselves, take care of ourselves, and understand that what we are doing as mothers; while incredibly challenging, is of utmost importance.
So here is some honesty...
Being mom is challenging.
Not because I have to do laundry, the dishes, clean up toys constantly, sweep and mop floors multiple times in a day. It's not because I have to clean up Vomit, poop, boogers or any other kind of bodily excrement. And it isn't because I spend the whole day with tiny people who can hardly construct full sentences... It's challenging because it's constant.
There is no down time. There is no talking to your co-worker about how horrible this situation just was. There are no 15 minute breaks every four hours. There are no lunch breaks. There's no casual banter that consist of more than the words, truck, "sirsty" or no. There is little rationality in the whole of each day.
Being mom...
I don't want the wrong message to come across here, I love being a mother. I love my son more than anything, but I have forgotten myself in the process.
Being mom...
I have forgotten what it is like to look in the mirror and actually see myself. I have forgotten what it means to have passion. I have often forgotten what it means to have joy and happiness. I have forgotten what it means to see each day for its new splendor.
Being mom I have forgotten to love myself and I have almost forgotten how to love myself.
I focused everything of my time and energy and effort and passion and love into being everything I can be for this little human that I have forgotten to refill myself.
I think my son knows this. I think he knows mommy is empty. I feel as if I have very little left to give and that is why some mornings and entire days go along as though they're a nightmare that may never end. In order to give I have to restore and refill myself. How can I give, how can I be mommy when I have nothing left of myself?
So this last month has been a valuable lesson. Continual prayers, constant reflection and desire to find the answer to my current situation lead me to today. I was on facebook when I saw a photo and in that moment, I knew...
Being mom is not just about my children...
Being mom is about being Me as an individual as well. I have to give myself time to be the woman I am when I am not mom. I have to break the constant by allowing myself to be a woman and be more than what I am as mother to my child. I have to make time for me and stop sacrificing every bit of what I am as a human to being a mommy.
I don't mean I should stop being a devote mother. I mean in order to be a better mother I need to be a better me and to be a better me I have to give myself time. You can't pour from an empty cup...
It's the days that I wake up to the whining, screaming and otherwise horrible attitude that I know the rest of the day is going to follow suit.
Today was one of the bad days and I was unsuspecting...
Lane had a good, long nights rest and woke in a fairly cheerful mood. He woke very early so I gave him his sippy and he relaxed in his bed for a time. When it was time for Lane to get out of bed we went with our normal routine of getting dressed and clamoring downstairs for breakfast.
From the moment breakfast ended until the moment lunch ended our home was full over tantrums, fits, and horrible ugly behavior on both mom and sons' part.
Lane has entered the "terrible two's" with a full fledged vengeance. My once happy and easily satisfied son, now throws tantrums and fits at the first sign of miscommunication or inability to do as he pleases. I expected the "terrible two's", he's two, his personality is unleashing and he is growing and learning more each day, what I didn't expect was to hate MYSELF every moment of it.
As Mothers our job is difficult, this is common knowledge, and as moms we accept it because if it's difficult it means that we are doing our job right. What no one tells us is how much we will struggle to love ourselves, take care of ourselves, and understand that what we are doing as mothers; while incredibly challenging, is of utmost importance.
So here is some honesty...
Being mom is challenging.
Not because I have to do laundry, the dishes, clean up toys constantly, sweep and mop floors multiple times in a day. It's not because I have to clean up Vomit, poop, boogers or any other kind of bodily excrement. And it isn't because I spend the whole day with tiny people who can hardly construct full sentences... It's challenging because it's constant.
There is no down time. There is no talking to your co-worker about how horrible this situation just was. There are no 15 minute breaks every four hours. There are no lunch breaks. There's no casual banter that consist of more than the words, truck, "sirsty" or no. There is little rationality in the whole of each day.
Being mom...
I don't want the wrong message to come across here, I love being a mother. I love my son more than anything, but I have forgotten myself in the process.
Being mom...
I have forgotten what it is like to look in the mirror and actually see myself. I have forgotten what it means to have passion. I have often forgotten what it means to have joy and happiness. I have forgotten what it means to see each day for its new splendor.
Being mom I have forgotten to love myself and I have almost forgotten how to love myself.
I focused everything of my time and energy and effort and passion and love into being everything I can be for this little human that I have forgotten to refill myself.
I think my son knows this. I think he knows mommy is empty. I feel as if I have very little left to give and that is why some mornings and entire days go along as though they're a nightmare that may never end. In order to give I have to restore and refill myself. How can I give, how can I be mommy when I have nothing left of myself?
So this last month has been a valuable lesson. Continual prayers, constant reflection and desire to find the answer to my current situation lead me to today. I was on facebook when I saw a photo and in that moment, I knew...
Being mom is not just about my children...
Being mom is about being Me as an individual as well. I have to give myself time to be the woman I am when I am not mom. I have to break the constant by allowing myself to be a woman and be more than what I am as mother to my child. I have to make time for me and stop sacrificing every bit of what I am as a human to being a mommy.
I don't mean I should stop being a devote mother. I mean in order to be a better mother I need to be a better me and to be a better me I have to give myself time. You can't pour from an empty cup...
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
Power of Perspective
I woke up this morning in a horrible mood. Mostly due to the fact that Seth's alarm had gone off a million times since six A.M. and also partly due to the fact that our son woke up about five minutes before Seth left for work and continued to jabber loudly in his bed until I crawled my own butt out of bed. Just so there is no confusion, Seth and I share a bedroom with our son. It's tight, small, close, miniscule, crammed and often inconvenient, but we make it work. Well this morning I woke with enough frustration to supply a Hippopotamus with a small rage to charge innocent civilians down and pummel them into the ground. Okay, so I wasn't just frustrated, I was angry.
Since I can remember I have not been a morning person. Despite my biggest efforts I have never been able to be one of those smiling; light and fluffy, sunshine and butterflies, the sun is my morning bestie, type of morning people. I like the evenings and nights, love them even! I love that everything feels alive at night. I love the moon and the stars and how it feels like everything just slows down and like there is so much to discover. I always have more creative juices when it's late because my mind is working faster and more efficiently at night. I am the epitome of a night owl.
This wouldn't be a bad thing if I had a child that liked to sleep until nine A.M. but needless to say my son likes to wake up early. He likes mornings and has since he was tiny. He's always smiling and happy and refreshed. I seriously envy him. I have tried to be that happy, good morning with nothing but smiles type of mom but I have found it requires at least a half a cup of coffee before I reach that point. I guess that normally that is okay, but this morning didn't really go that way.
From the moment we were out of bed, Lane, wanted to get into everything he wasn't supposed to. My son likes to test me and see how far he can push me, this he gets entirely from his dad, and regardless of the word 'no', he will continue until I meet a breaking point. I have shouted one too many times today if I'm really honest with myself. I don't like shouting. In fact I quite hate it, but I think that my Scottish/Irish temper gets the best of me sometimes and it just comes pouring out. I always regret my shouting and explain to my son why I got so upset and that I'm sorry I shouted but that he needs to listen in the future to avoid such things.
In truth I probably just woke up on the wrong side of bed this morning because from there on out everything was irritating me.
My low calorie, low carb, low-fat diet probably isn't helping to improve my mood. If you know me, you know that I love food but all the bad stuff like pasta and rice and potatoes and above all, chocolate. I have deprived myself of chocolate for two weeks now. Trust me, this is a huge accomplishment. I ALWAYS have chocolate of some shape or form in the house, it is truly like a drug for me. Some people are addicted to smoking or chewing or even great things like working out, me, I am addicted to chocolate. Chocolate, in comparison, is my cigarette to a smoker. I feel like I need it to function completely or to breathe, literally just talking about it right now is giving me a feeling of anxiety and desperate need to have a piece.
I know, you're probably thinking(how pathetic), but there is a reason for this madness. Chocolate releases serotonin and serotonin is a neurotransmitter and in a round about way of scientific words this means that chocolate literally improves mood. There have been studies done that suggest that chocolate has the ability to give you the kind of high and emotional response one might experience while smoking cannabis. Not even kidding! I don't know if I would go as far as to believe that but lets just say that chocolate addiction is real. It's not just something people say because they love chocolate. I mean yes, obviously, I love chocolate; however, I recognize this as being a true addiction and problem.
I bought a couple of builder bars yesterday that have chocolate in them and despite the fact that these usually taste like cardboard, it was probably the best thing I have tasted in weeks. Instantly my mood improved. I have the other half of that builder bar sitting on my shelf and all day I have denied myself the pleasure of consuming it. Why? Because will-power is what is going to get me over this ridiculous addiction and if I can't say no to it when it is right in front of me then I will forever have a problem.
So back to my mood. . .The above is a pretty decent explanation to my Grinch-like behavior today. I literally have wanted to just piss and moan about everything in existence from the moment I woke up.
Well something else triggered my irritation this morning that should be shared. I am a part of this local website, via facebook, where you can go and sell items or buy them from your local community. It's a great site really and every now and then you get people asking for advice or help or suggestions from people who have lived here longer than us 'New-comers'. Well recently there has been a lot of activity with 'Go Fund Me' pages and in case you don't know what that is, here is an explanation: A go fund me page is a personal ad put out by someone in need of financial help for whatever reason. There is an amount of money they need/desire to raise for a specific cause and people can willingly donate to that cause if they so desire.
Well recently a young woman in our community has been posting a go fund me link for her dog that needs hip surgery and many people were very kind and donated to the cause. At some point the woman commented about he trash all over the valley and stirred up a lot of drama on the page. I understand that this was completely unnecessary for this site but she's only human and humans make mistakes. Well today I was browsing the site and noticed that this woman had posted her go fund me page once again. In the caption she explained that their camp trailer, (that they are living in), flooded while they were away and that the remainder of the money they had saved up out of their own pocket for their dog's surgery would have to go toward fixing the trailer. She kindly asked for help in continuing to raise money for her dog and graciously thanked everyone who had already supported them thus far. Well it would seem that people were pretty upset by this because the comments that followed were completely negative and rude and uncalled for in my opinion.
Firstly I know what it means to struggle and have one thing after another hit you and bring you down to a level where you feel like you aren't worth a hoot. And while I disagree with some of the things that she had previously posted on the site, I could not understand why people would take the time out of their day to viciously attack some poor girl clearly struggling and just kindly asking for help. I was furious! It's one thing to struggle but its another to recognize when you need help and be humble enough to ask for it! It blew my mind that people would be so rude and inconsiderate of everything she was dealing with. But then, that's life isn't it?
People don't listen to a full story or get all of the information before exploding. They don't wait to think about all of the factors involved and it's disheartening to realize that this is the kind of world we live in, one that is full of false accusation and finger pointing.
I realized that this was a lesson for me today because I often get angry about things before I really think about the 'whys and how's' of it all. I got mad at Lane today because he kept dragging all of the clothes out of the laundry basket. Thinking back on it I wish I hadn't gotten mad at all. I realize now that my mood was being affected by my lack of sleep and chocolate and that I essentially let loose my frustrations on my son who was only trying to play with our dog and put a blanket on himself and her via dirty laundry. I should have recognized that this was him being creative and using his imagination and being kind by sharing, but I didn't. Much like those women on the sale site I let my frustrations out on someone who wasn't deserving because I hadn't taken the time to properly look at the situation from a different perspective.
My point today is that we each have the power to change our perspective every day and in every situation. We can look at the morning like a complete inconvenience and be a complete Scrooge all day or we can choose to be happy that we are awake and alive for a new day with a new adventure. We can choose to see someone as negative and needy and an inconvenience or we can try and understand where they are coming from and what they might be going through. We can see our children making a mess and get angry or we can try and see the mess from their perspective as a creative and kind gesture. We can see an addiction as in inconvenience and habit we wont ever kick or we can look at it as a test of our ability to say 'no' and have a stronger will-power. Perspective is everything.
So from here on out I am going to will myself to have a different perspective. I am going to try and see things through multiple view points before I am quick to judge or quick to anger. And when I wake up in the morning feeling grouchy I am going to recognize that the day is new and that I have a happy healthy family and I am blessed to wake up to a happy smiling face.
For the rest of today I am going to will myself to be in a better mood and delight in all that the day has to offer, starting by working out and then getting to relax while my son takes his nap. I wont say I hate working out because in another perspective I love it because I love the way I feel afterward and the rewards it has to offer.
"We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses." -Abraham Lincoln
Proverbs 14:29
He that is slow to wrath is of great understanding: but he that is hasty of spirit exalteth folly.
Since I can remember I have not been a morning person. Despite my biggest efforts I have never been able to be one of those smiling; light and fluffy, sunshine and butterflies, the sun is my morning bestie, type of morning people. I like the evenings and nights, love them even! I love that everything feels alive at night. I love the moon and the stars and how it feels like everything just slows down and like there is so much to discover. I always have more creative juices when it's late because my mind is working faster and more efficiently at night. I am the epitome of a night owl.
This wouldn't be a bad thing if I had a child that liked to sleep until nine A.M. but needless to say my son likes to wake up early. He likes mornings and has since he was tiny. He's always smiling and happy and refreshed. I seriously envy him. I have tried to be that happy, good morning with nothing but smiles type of mom but I have found it requires at least a half a cup of coffee before I reach that point. I guess that normally that is okay, but this morning didn't really go that way.
From the moment we were out of bed, Lane, wanted to get into everything he wasn't supposed to. My son likes to test me and see how far he can push me, this he gets entirely from his dad, and regardless of the word 'no', he will continue until I meet a breaking point. I have shouted one too many times today if I'm really honest with myself. I don't like shouting. In fact I quite hate it, but I think that my Scottish/Irish temper gets the best of me sometimes and it just comes pouring out. I always regret my shouting and explain to my son why I got so upset and that I'm sorry I shouted but that he needs to listen in the future to avoid such things.
In truth I probably just woke up on the wrong side of bed this morning because from there on out everything was irritating me.
My low calorie, low carb, low-fat diet probably isn't helping to improve my mood. If you know me, you know that I love food but all the bad stuff like pasta and rice and potatoes and above all, chocolate. I have deprived myself of chocolate for two weeks now. Trust me, this is a huge accomplishment. I ALWAYS have chocolate of some shape or form in the house, it is truly like a drug for me. Some people are addicted to smoking or chewing or even great things like working out, me, I am addicted to chocolate. Chocolate, in comparison, is my cigarette to a smoker. I feel like I need it to function completely or to breathe, literally just talking about it right now is giving me a feeling of anxiety and desperate need to have a piece.
I know, you're probably thinking(how pathetic), but there is a reason for this madness. Chocolate releases serotonin and serotonin is a neurotransmitter and in a round about way of scientific words this means that chocolate literally improves mood. There have been studies done that suggest that chocolate has the ability to give you the kind of high and emotional response one might experience while smoking cannabis. Not even kidding! I don't know if I would go as far as to believe that but lets just say that chocolate addiction is real. It's not just something people say because they love chocolate. I mean yes, obviously, I love chocolate; however, I recognize this as being a true addiction and problem.
I bought a couple of builder bars yesterday that have chocolate in them and despite the fact that these usually taste like cardboard, it was probably the best thing I have tasted in weeks. Instantly my mood improved. I have the other half of that builder bar sitting on my shelf and all day I have denied myself the pleasure of consuming it. Why? Because will-power is what is going to get me over this ridiculous addiction and if I can't say no to it when it is right in front of me then I will forever have a problem.
So back to my mood. . .The above is a pretty decent explanation to my Grinch-like behavior today. I literally have wanted to just piss and moan about everything in existence from the moment I woke up.
Well something else triggered my irritation this morning that should be shared. I am a part of this local website, via facebook, where you can go and sell items or buy them from your local community. It's a great site really and every now and then you get people asking for advice or help or suggestions from people who have lived here longer than us 'New-comers'. Well recently there has been a lot of activity with 'Go Fund Me' pages and in case you don't know what that is, here is an explanation: A go fund me page is a personal ad put out by someone in need of financial help for whatever reason. There is an amount of money they need/desire to raise for a specific cause and people can willingly donate to that cause if they so desire.
Well recently a young woman in our community has been posting a go fund me link for her dog that needs hip surgery and many people were very kind and donated to the cause. At some point the woman commented about he trash all over the valley and stirred up a lot of drama on the page. I understand that this was completely unnecessary for this site but she's only human and humans make mistakes. Well today I was browsing the site and noticed that this woman had posted her go fund me page once again. In the caption she explained that their camp trailer, (that they are living in), flooded while they were away and that the remainder of the money they had saved up out of their own pocket for their dog's surgery would have to go toward fixing the trailer. She kindly asked for help in continuing to raise money for her dog and graciously thanked everyone who had already supported them thus far. Well it would seem that people were pretty upset by this because the comments that followed were completely negative and rude and uncalled for in my opinion.
Firstly I know what it means to struggle and have one thing after another hit you and bring you down to a level where you feel like you aren't worth a hoot. And while I disagree with some of the things that she had previously posted on the site, I could not understand why people would take the time out of their day to viciously attack some poor girl clearly struggling and just kindly asking for help. I was furious! It's one thing to struggle but its another to recognize when you need help and be humble enough to ask for it! It blew my mind that people would be so rude and inconsiderate of everything she was dealing with. But then, that's life isn't it?
People don't listen to a full story or get all of the information before exploding. They don't wait to think about all of the factors involved and it's disheartening to realize that this is the kind of world we live in, one that is full of false accusation and finger pointing.
I realized that this was a lesson for me today because I often get angry about things before I really think about the 'whys and how's' of it all. I got mad at Lane today because he kept dragging all of the clothes out of the laundry basket. Thinking back on it I wish I hadn't gotten mad at all. I realize now that my mood was being affected by my lack of sleep and chocolate and that I essentially let loose my frustrations on my son who was only trying to play with our dog and put a blanket on himself and her via dirty laundry. I should have recognized that this was him being creative and using his imagination and being kind by sharing, but I didn't. Much like those women on the sale site I let my frustrations out on someone who wasn't deserving because I hadn't taken the time to properly look at the situation from a different perspective.
My point today is that we each have the power to change our perspective every day and in every situation. We can look at the morning like a complete inconvenience and be a complete Scrooge all day or we can choose to be happy that we are awake and alive for a new day with a new adventure. We can choose to see someone as negative and needy and an inconvenience or we can try and understand where they are coming from and what they might be going through. We can see our children making a mess and get angry or we can try and see the mess from their perspective as a creative and kind gesture. We can see an addiction as in inconvenience and habit we wont ever kick or we can look at it as a test of our ability to say 'no' and have a stronger will-power. Perspective is everything.
So from here on out I am going to will myself to have a different perspective. I am going to try and see things through multiple view points before I am quick to judge or quick to anger. And when I wake up in the morning feeling grouchy I am going to recognize that the day is new and that I have a happy healthy family and I am blessed to wake up to a happy smiling face.
For the rest of today I am going to will myself to be in a better mood and delight in all that the day has to offer, starting by working out and then getting to relax while my son takes his nap. I wont say I hate working out because in another perspective I love it because I love the way I feel afterward and the rewards it has to offer.
"We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses." -Abraham Lincoln
Proverbs 14:29
He that is slow to wrath is of great understanding: but he that is hasty of spirit exalteth folly.
Monday, March 2, 2015
Young Mommas & Our Walk in The Park
I'm sitting on the couch with my 20 month old son this morning whom is currently crawling all over me, hugging me sporadically, and kissing me with those sweet, wet, lips that only a toddler could have. I say sweet lips because I can taste the remainder of his oatmeal, now on my own lips; he's run off into the other room to bother the dog, making it a little easier for me to actually type a word without it looking like this > .kjdb
I have struggled with this blog so many times that I just gave up on the notion that I was even capable of blogging. I have just realized, however, that I think the problem was not blogging itself but something that's entirely important; Voice. I didn't have a voice, I couldn't find it for the longest time and my writing suffered because of it. I hope that this particular post is proof that I have finally found it.
I have probably changed everything on my blog about ten times since I created it but today I actually feel certain that it is finally how it needs to be. For me, this blog could have been many different things, but something that has struck me lately is the reoccurring false belief that every mom in the world has some sort of magical intuition when it comes to caring for her child. I can honestly say that this is bull shit! Yeah, I know, I said the shit word, but let's be honest here, motherhood is a whirlwind of confusion, guessing games, frustration and anxiety! Oh, let's not forget, love, understanding, discovery, smiles, learning, dreams, creation, and joy too. My point is though, that not one mom, in this entirely huge; and yet tiny, wonderful world, has it figured out entirely. And while we're here, let's just put to rest the idea that stay at home motherhood is 'A walk in the park', because I can assure, it isn't. Seriously, to prevent teen pregnancy we should induce a 13 year old into a home with a toddler and maybe even a baby and tell them to take care of EVERYTHING known to man for a week. I would wager that teenager might grow up and decide that having kids actually was a responsibility.
Wait, what? Having kids is a responsibility, who woulda thunk it?
No, seriously though guys, this motherhood thing is nothing like I imagined it would be. As of right now my son is throwing a screaming tantrum because his little chair won't fit between the wall and our couch, he then gives up and sits down only to fall down out of the chair and starts crying again, I'll be right back...
I'll be lucky if I get this blog done in three hours.
But back to what I was saying about children being a responsibility. Oh my gosh, did I have it all wrong in my even younger years. I remember saying I wanted six children and my mom laughing and saying that once I grew up I would change my mind. She was right of course, as most mothers often are, and thank God I have her here to seek her wisdom, or I may not have made it this far in my own motherhood. When I was younger I was under the impression you just rocked babies for hours and gave them kisses to stop crying, of course that was probably when I was eight, but I think somehow that still was in the back of my mind like a childhood fairytale, even into my adulthood, and after all of the children I had babysat. Maybe I thought that my own kids would be different, easier, or that I would be able to understand them better because they were my own and a part of me because they had half of my DNA. Wrongo! I have never been more confounded by a child than that of my own son. How does one little human make soooooo much noise in one day? How does he go all day long with the ups and downs and all arounds and loudness and the cryingness and the laughing and screaming and the pooping soo much and getting the things dirty... Oh wait, that's right, he gets through it because I help him, and it is no small task!
I should have listened when I was told being a mother was harder than I thought. Lane is trying to kiss me again and is now driving his matchbox car over my head like some kind of make-believe mountain. This is of course, his way of telling me that I am not paying enough attention to him. I do love some of this, then I get to where it would be nice if I could accomplish something without being mauled, scratched, prodded, kicked or having my hair pulled.
Lately he has been discovering nipples, his own, his dads and now Mommy's are in question. The fact that this is slightly inappropriate is hard to express as he pulls at my shirt and looks down and then points to my bra like, 'what is that on your nipples?'. I just say, "yes, those are my breasts", and then I distract him with something else. Honestly I have no idea what else to say to him and it's not as though he understands what the words 'breasts' or 'nipples' are, he's just curious, but I hope to God he doesn't start trying to look down everyone's shirt everywhere we go!
When Lane was first born my family came to visit and my mom stayed with me the first week to help me get into the groove of things and let me rest and recuperate, which at the time seemed like something that would never happen between the all hours breast feeding and diaper changing and everything else. I cried when my mom left. I was in a complete panic to which Seth looked at me and said, "what's wrong?" and I responded through sobs and tears and staggered breaths that, "I have no idea what I am doing", well if that wasn't the damn truth, but so was what he said next, "You're great, it'll be fine, we'll figure it out." He was right, we have figured it out and each day we figure it out a little more and thank God I have him around.
I give all of the props and brownie points in the world to Moms/Dads that do this on their own! There was a point where I thought that I would have to make a choice of doing this motherhood thing by myself. Seth and I had only been dating four months when I found out I was for sure pregnant and the most terrifying moment of my life was when I wondered if I was in love with a man that would stay or go and the unsure answer that I had for myself. The day I saw the positive sign on that test was a complete day of utter anxiety and uncertainty. Before I move forward I should explain that not for a moment would I consider ever aborting a child and that I was determined that whatever Seth chose, that I would have that baby and do all I could to give it a wonderful life. I also should explain that Seth had expressed never wanting a family and so my fears were heightened. I have been incredibly blessed. From the moment I told him that we were going to have a baby, Seth has had his arms around me in full embrace and support. We both are incredibly in love with one another and our son and I know I speak for the both of us when I say he is the best thing that has happened to us.
If I would have had to do this on my own, I know I could have, but I am so grateful to be able to be where I am and that I am in love with a man that truly loves us unconditionally and takes care of us every day. I am lucky to be a stay at home mother, but that is not to say it's easy as I have clearly expressed. From the moment Lane was born I have had to guess my way through so many things. Often I feel like I am playing the part of the magic eight ball, just waiting for a problem to arise and then be shaken violently in search of an answer. Is my son teething? (Shake, shake, shake), 'Signs point to yes'. Is my son hungry or does he just feel like crying? (Shake, shake, shake), 'Cannot predict now'.
This morning Lane woke up just after Seth left for work. I have been experiencing severe back pain and haven't been sleeping all too well and so I was not excited that he had woke up before my alarm had even gone off. Needless to say while he played with his stuffed animals in his crib for a half hour, I laid in bed for another thirty minutes. Yeah, that's right, I laid in bed while my son jabber talked for thirty minutes to his stuffed animals. Now I may get a ton of grief for this, but the truth is, I am human. A human that misses sleep greatly and feels like I am running on empty three quarters of my twenty-four-seven motherhood, and don't ask me what that actually is in hours in terms of math, I have no clue. Sometimes, the television is my saving grace. Yes, please slap my hand, I know that's not how I should handle things but good grief is it nice to be able to make dinner without a toddler hanging on my legs and throwing a screaming fit. I guess what I am trying to say here is that, not one mom is perfect or has it all together, no matter how much they perceive that. Moms everywhere are going to be more patient than me, more understanding, better at cooking fun meals, better at being creative and fun, better at dressing their children or getting up before them at the crack of dawn. The point is, I am a mother, the best one I can be for my son. I try harder every day. I make changes and I get upset and frustrated and confused. I sometimes yell and cry. Sometimes I leave the T.V. on for a good portion of the day so I can accomplish something. Sometimes I bury my head under a pillow and wonder what I am doing and dream of a short vacation somewhere with a beach and lovely warm waves of salty water and any kind of fruity alcoholic drink in my hand. Days like today I wake up wondering when I'll actually wake up and feel like I don't need a gallon of coffee to fuel me through the day and then decide I'll write about it. Days like today I realize I am not alone in this world of mothering and that I am not the only one who does these things or feels this way from day to day.
We have been asked to take on the biggest responsibility known to man; raise a child into a wonderful, considerate, understanding, loving and overall good human being! Holy cow, no pressure people!
I just want to say that on days you feel like you are the worst parent in the world, realize that as long as you question yourself and continue to try harder that you are clearly doing all you can to be the best that you can be for those little loves of your life. There is no handbook and no expertly correct way to raise each child. It is a guessing game it is an adventure and often it is hell, and that's okay. It's okay to suck at it sometimes. It's okay to cry and wonder how you'll make it through another day. As long as you wake up the next day determined to do better you're doing a good job. You are only human living a life of a superhuman, give yourself some slack and accept that what you are doing is incredible and requires great strength and you have already succeeded by making it this far! This is not a walk in the park!
I have taken more affirmative action in my life recently as to being a better person and better mother but that's not to say that every day from here on out is going to be easy or that I am going to have everything figured out. I just know that as long as I am trying that I am succeeding.
Now Lane wants to play catch and as you might imagine/know, catch with a toddler and a bouncy ball in a tiny confined area is actually kind of destructive and potentially dangerous and might wreck my laptop! I hope that you enjoyed this as much as I did. For the first time in my blogging history I feel like I accomplished what I wanted! PLEASE share my post/blog with friends and family and come back for more! If I can continue to speak to people and inspire then I will continue down this road! I'll end my posts with a scripture, God bless and much love and have a wonderful day!
Psalm 127:3-5
Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man who's quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they content with their enemies in the gate.
Lately he has been discovering nipples, his own, his dads and now Mommy's are in question. The fact that this is slightly inappropriate is hard to express as he pulls at my shirt and looks down and then points to my bra like, 'what is that on your nipples?'. I just say, "yes, those are my breasts", and then I distract him with something else. Honestly I have no idea what else to say to him and it's not as though he understands what the words 'breasts' or 'nipples' are, he's just curious, but I hope to God he doesn't start trying to look down everyone's shirt everywhere we go!
When Lane was first born my family came to visit and my mom stayed with me the first week to help me get into the groove of things and let me rest and recuperate, which at the time seemed like something that would never happen between the all hours breast feeding and diaper changing and everything else. I cried when my mom left. I was in a complete panic to which Seth looked at me and said, "what's wrong?" and I responded through sobs and tears and staggered breaths that, "I have no idea what I am doing", well if that wasn't the damn truth, but so was what he said next, "You're great, it'll be fine, we'll figure it out." He was right, we have figured it out and each day we figure it out a little more and thank God I have him around.
I give all of the props and brownie points in the world to Moms/Dads that do this on their own! There was a point where I thought that I would have to make a choice of doing this motherhood thing by myself. Seth and I had only been dating four months when I found out I was for sure pregnant and the most terrifying moment of my life was when I wondered if I was in love with a man that would stay or go and the unsure answer that I had for myself. The day I saw the positive sign on that test was a complete day of utter anxiety and uncertainty. Before I move forward I should explain that not for a moment would I consider ever aborting a child and that I was determined that whatever Seth chose, that I would have that baby and do all I could to give it a wonderful life. I also should explain that Seth had expressed never wanting a family and so my fears were heightened. I have been incredibly blessed. From the moment I told him that we were going to have a baby, Seth has had his arms around me in full embrace and support. We both are incredibly in love with one another and our son and I know I speak for the both of us when I say he is the best thing that has happened to us.
If I would have had to do this on my own, I know I could have, but I am so grateful to be able to be where I am and that I am in love with a man that truly loves us unconditionally and takes care of us every day. I am lucky to be a stay at home mother, but that is not to say it's easy as I have clearly expressed. From the moment Lane was born I have had to guess my way through so many things. Often I feel like I am playing the part of the magic eight ball, just waiting for a problem to arise and then be shaken violently in search of an answer. Is my son teething? (Shake, shake, shake), 'Signs point to yes'. Is my son hungry or does he just feel like crying? (Shake, shake, shake), 'Cannot predict now'.
This morning Lane woke up just after Seth left for work. I have been experiencing severe back pain and haven't been sleeping all too well and so I was not excited that he had woke up before my alarm had even gone off. Needless to say while he played with his stuffed animals in his crib for a half hour, I laid in bed for another thirty minutes. Yeah, that's right, I laid in bed while my son jabber talked for thirty minutes to his stuffed animals. Now I may get a ton of grief for this, but the truth is, I am human. A human that misses sleep greatly and feels like I am running on empty three quarters of my twenty-four-seven motherhood, and don't ask me what that actually is in hours in terms of math, I have no clue. Sometimes, the television is my saving grace. Yes, please slap my hand, I know that's not how I should handle things but good grief is it nice to be able to make dinner without a toddler hanging on my legs and throwing a screaming fit. I guess what I am trying to say here is that, not one mom is perfect or has it all together, no matter how much they perceive that. Moms everywhere are going to be more patient than me, more understanding, better at cooking fun meals, better at being creative and fun, better at dressing their children or getting up before them at the crack of dawn. The point is, I am a mother, the best one I can be for my son. I try harder every day. I make changes and I get upset and frustrated and confused. I sometimes yell and cry. Sometimes I leave the T.V. on for a good portion of the day so I can accomplish something. Sometimes I bury my head under a pillow and wonder what I am doing and dream of a short vacation somewhere with a beach and lovely warm waves of salty water and any kind of fruity alcoholic drink in my hand. Days like today I wake up wondering when I'll actually wake up and feel like I don't need a gallon of coffee to fuel me through the day and then decide I'll write about it. Days like today I realize I am not alone in this world of mothering and that I am not the only one who does these things or feels this way from day to day.
We have been asked to take on the biggest responsibility known to man; raise a child into a wonderful, considerate, understanding, loving and overall good human being! Holy cow, no pressure people!
I just want to say that on days you feel like you are the worst parent in the world, realize that as long as you question yourself and continue to try harder that you are clearly doing all you can to be the best that you can be for those little loves of your life. There is no handbook and no expertly correct way to raise each child. It is a guessing game it is an adventure and often it is hell, and that's okay. It's okay to suck at it sometimes. It's okay to cry and wonder how you'll make it through another day. As long as you wake up the next day determined to do better you're doing a good job. You are only human living a life of a superhuman, give yourself some slack and accept that what you are doing is incredible and requires great strength and you have already succeeded by making it this far! This is not a walk in the park!
I have taken more affirmative action in my life recently as to being a better person and better mother but that's not to say that every day from here on out is going to be easy or that I am going to have everything figured out. I just know that as long as I am trying that I am succeeding.
Now Lane wants to play catch and as you might imagine/know, catch with a toddler and a bouncy ball in a tiny confined area is actually kind of destructive and potentially dangerous and might wreck my laptop! I hope that you enjoyed this as much as I did. For the first time in my blogging history I feel like I accomplished what I wanted! PLEASE share my post/blog with friends and family and come back for more! If I can continue to speak to people and inspire then I will continue down this road! I'll end my posts with a scripture, God bless and much love and have a wonderful day!
Psalm 127:3-5
Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man who's quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they content with their enemies in the gate.
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