Being Mom

For the past four weeks or so I have been overwhelmed with the dread of what comes with a new day. I know just how the day is going to go by the sound that flows through the house and into my sons baby monitor. Some may think it strange that I have a baby monitor hooked up even though my son is two, and you could be right, but I like to cover my bases when I have a husband who sleeps like the dead and I myslef can enter into a pretty deep sleep sometimes. Anyway, I know that if I wake up to jabbering and talking via the baby monitor that the day is going to be okay, my son may have a few bad moments but overall he's going to have a good day. These mornings I know that it won't be such a bad day and I get out of bed fairly happy and go and say good morning to my handsome son who is no doubt patiently waiting to be extracted from the crib.
It's the days that I wake up to the whining, screaming and otherwise horrible attitude that I know the rest of the day is going to follow suit.
Today was one of the bad days and I was unsuspecting...
Lane had a good, long nights rest and woke in a fairly cheerful mood. He woke very early so I gave him his sippy and he relaxed in his bed for a time. When it was time for Lane to get out of bed we went with our normal routine of getting dressed and clamoring downstairs for breakfast.
From the moment breakfast ended until the moment lunch ended our home was full over tantrums, fits, and horrible ugly behavior on both mom and sons' part.
Lane has entered the "terrible two's" with a full fledged vengeance. My once happy and easily satisfied son, now throws tantrums and fits at the first sign of miscommunication or inability to do as he pleases. I expected the "terrible two's", he's two, his personality is unleashing and he is growing and learning more each day, what I didn't expect was to hate MYSELF every moment of it.
As Mothers our job is difficult, this is common knowledge, and as moms we accept it because if it's difficult it means that we are doing our job right. What no one tells us is how much we will struggle to love ourselves, take care of ourselves, and understand that what we are doing as mothers; while incredibly challenging, is of utmost importance.
So here is some honesty...
Being mom is challenging.
Not because I have to do laundry, the dishes, clean up toys constantly, sweep and mop floors multiple times in a day. It's not because I have to clean up Vomit, poop, boogers or any other kind of bodily excrement. And it isn't because I  spend the whole day with tiny people who can hardly construct full sentences... It's challenging because it's constant.
There is no down time. There is no talking to your co-worker about how horrible this situation just was. There are no 15 minute breaks every four hours. There are no lunch breaks. There's no casual banter that consist of more than the words, truck, "sirsty" or no. There is little rationality in the whole of each day.
Being mom...
I don't want the wrong message to come across here, I love being a mother. I love my son more than anything, but I have forgotten myself in the process.
Being mom...
I have forgotten what it is like to look in the mirror and actually see myself. I have forgotten what it means to have passion. I have often forgotten what it means to have joy and happiness. I have forgotten what it means to see each day for its new splendor.
Being mom I have forgotten to love myself and I have almost forgotten how to love myself.
I focused everything of my time and energy and effort and passion and love into being everything I can be for this little human that I have forgotten to refill myself.
I think my son knows this. I think he knows mommy is empty. I feel as if I have very little left to give and that is why some mornings and entire days go along as though they're a nightmare that may never end. In order to give I have to restore and refill myself. How can I give, how can I be mommy when I have nothing left of myself?
So this last month has been a valuable lesson. Continual prayers, constant reflection and desire to find the answer to my current situation lead me to today. I was on facebook when I saw a photo and in that moment, I knew...
Being mom is not just about my children...
Being mom is about being Me as an individual as well. I have to give myself time to be the woman I am when I am not mom. I have to break the constant by allowing myself to be a woman and be more than what I am as mother to my child. I have to make time for me and stop sacrificing every bit of what I am as a human to being a mommy.
I don't mean I should stop being a devote mother. I mean in order to be a better mother I need to be a better me and to be a better me I have to give myself time. You can't pour from an empty cup...