It's already September, and I'm thinking back on February and March and remember wondering when my life would ever get back on track, perhaps it's time I share my story. I figure sharing my feelings on my blog is a more constructive action than if I were to bottle them up and save them for later. For those who actually may visit my blog I have indeed changed the title and discription yet again and after this post you will understand, for me, nothing is definate any longer.
Emoticon #1 Beaming Happy
:D I was married at 18, just before my 19th birthday and at the time I couldnt imagine doing anything more or being anything more than a wife. I was young and incurably naive and had a projected image in my head of what life was supposed to be for myself. I would get married and be a trophy wife, my husband would bring home the dough and It would be enough for me to make him meals everyday and take care of his home and one day his children. Young ladies, my heart goes out to you, that projection is a holograph and the screen a figment of your wildly, beautiful and precious, naive, imagination. If I could conserved the dreams of my youth and save them for my more adult, prepared self in my late twenties, there would be no doubt that I would. For perhaps further on down the road I will have a better understanding of the cruel world and life in general and then my giddy feelings and blind deceptions of love and men would be slightly overturned and yet still accepted, but I digress. After a good first year of marriage (although broke as could be) the tides shifted. I'd been supporting my husband through college working at jobs that I frankly didnt love,(but then again thats life). We sold my little honda for $800 and he used the money to buy him a different vehicle, me then taking his car which had just so recently been broken into. The idiots had used a crowbar to get into the truck instead of breaking a window like a genius and just popping the trunk open, it looked like crap and to this day the trunk is still jimmy-rigged with a bungee cord from the inside and not accessable. We moved back to Twin Falls, this time last year, so that he could continue school and I was re-employed with my old job there. But the honey moon had long worn off and there was a storm brewing strongly by October when i remained in Twin Falls, until he would return in late January.
Emoticon #2 Worry
0_0 The storm is something you know is coming that you can feel but may not be able to see. When my husband left it was the first time I'd ever been alone and away from home. I'd always had my family and him and now I had myself. He would never answer my texts or calls and I was beggining to burden my parents with calling in crying hysterics. I was truly borderline losing my mind and thats probably an understatement, I probably should have saught out professional help for accute depression and anxiety. I loved my husband more than anyone or anything in the world and even now it is hard for me to fathom how much I really loved him and I'm still trying to find the answer to why? Finally after weeks of hardly hearing from him and going completely bonkers I packed a duffle bag and went back home, my husband begrudged me for this I now know, because it put more pressure on him to make money to take care of us while I was unemployed. Through christmas he and I began to become astranged and I felt it. The term grasping at straws has never been so true or real. He had been friends with a guy at work, we'll call him "J", and I wasnt fond of him at all as a friend. "J" lived with his girlfriend and they had a child that would be turning 2. My husband had been spending every moment at "J"s house he woke up at 7 to go to work in the morning and would then work often until late, or so I believed, I found out later, however, that after work he would go to "J"s place for hours. He would show up at home to me, his wife, who had so graciously made dinner, he would say hello only sometimes before sitting down infront of the TV and play Xbox while eating his dinner. I had become the maid, the mother, obsolete. When it came time for him to return to school and I still was unemployed, the decision had been made for me to stay behind with family and go to school as well so that we could recieve money to help us live.
Emoticon #3 The fake smile
:) Living apart was not helping our already strained relationship. And while I WAS happy that I was continuing my education and frankly, kicking ass at it, there were other things going through my husbands head. Every time he would come to visit he spent nearly all of his time over at "J"s place and none with me. I was the wife and was supposed to be "in submission" to my husband, so I plastered on a happy face and told everyone that I was great and that our relationship was great. I was lieing. After not seeing him for nearly three weeks and hearing from him only twice for 5 minutes via phone call, I was truly panicked. He came to see me the weekend before valentines day and because "J" and his girlfriend were fighting, spent little to no time with me. I was sad, angry, stressed, and missed him and no matter what I did he didnt want to be around. The drinking problem that had existed before got progressivley worse to the point of alcoholism and my smile was falling. We faught the whole weekend he visited because his relationship with J's girlfriend was getting far too serious. She would text him at 2am in the morning, and call him constantly and they would talk for 45 minutes or more, I was jealous of course, who wouldnt be. My husband wouldnt even spend five minutes on the phone with me and he talked to and about this girl like her ass rose in the east and set in the west every day. I told him he had to choose between us, and when he left that weekend before valentines day he barely kissed me goodbye.
Emoticon#4 Shock
O.o I recieved a call from J a day after valentines day, one which day I hadnt recieved even a call from my husband or a text, and had been prepared to drive up to see him and work out our problems until I called him and he convinced me that the weekend would be better. J told me he'd followed his girlfriend up to Twin Falls to my husband and I's apartment and that he knocked on the door and they both were there. I didnt believe him and called my husband mad because I was sure he was just helping her out and letting her stay and didnt confront me about it. He said he was just helping her like I assumed, and although still upset he had planned to come see me friday night. Friday I called to ask if he'd like to join me at the gym for a workout together, which I'd heard/read somewhere helps stimulate a couples sex drive because ours had been none in the last 8 months or longer. He simply stated "No", when I asked why, he said "We need to talk". My heart gave out for who knows how long, and when I found my breath I said "What did you do?" After a long pause he said, "I dont want to do this over the phone." I stated again, "What did you do?" Only this time the truth of the whole past week was sinking in, After silence I nearly whispered, "You slept with her didnt you? You slept with J's girlfriend?" The answer was already there days ago but when I heard the word "Yes" the world fell out from under me.
Emoticon#5 Down the rabbit hole
'o'.....To be continued
